Corporate language has been a virus seeking hosts all along. It spread through meetings (“let’s take this offline”), emails (“as per my previous message”), and entire careers (“thought leader”). But even before we thought it had run out of places to invade, AI came along with its own brand of bullshitting. A dialect used by someone I will call Dave.
In every office, there is a Dave. He found ChatGPT ten months ago and has been “revolutionizing the business” ever since. Here is your guide to what Dave says and means.
“We’re embracing AI to boost productivity”
Dave has been able to develop a project plan using a chatbot within nine minutes, and now, it is your turn to spend three weeks figuring out which ones are hallucinated.
“I’ve put together a first draft to get us started”
This is AI output without editing in its raw form that Dave has simply copy-pasted. He has not even taken the time to read it. Nor has he tried to comprehend what he has written. This is evident from the fact that he uses the wrong name of the company twice in this text.
“AI is a tool, and like any tool, it’s about how you use it”
Dave has no clue how to operate it. If his life depended on it, he still wouldn’t know how to code the input that would give him the precise output — but of course, it doesn’t; yours does. But you WILL be operating it, not those programmers who have quit and haven’t been replaced by anyone else. In particular, you’ll be operating it in order to correct the mess that Dave has made live.
“This should save us loads of time”
It is going to save Dave tons of time, and it will look really good when presented to the senior management team. Your time is wasted trying to verify information from a machine that is able to lie with utmost conviction, and this is still taking more time than just doing it yourself.
“I ran it through AI and it looks good to me”
Dave has analyzed code of which he knows nothing, but since the AI said it will work, Dave will say it works. “Looks good” simply means the code looks good aesthetically. Once the client discovers the bug, Dave will do a runner while the rest of us try to fix it at 11pm.
“We need to be an AI-first organisation”
Dave found the LinkedIn post. This is all there is to the strategy.
“Can you just give it a quick sanity check?”
Dave wants you to start building this project from scratch. Time estimate: your entire weekend. Credit estimate: zero. The words “quick” and “sanity” are both committing felonies in this sentence.
“The AI made a mistake”
This is a phrase that comes into existence once something goes wrong. Up until then, it was “my analysis.” Success has a manager; failure has a chatbot.
“We’re not replacing anyone, we’re augmenting the team”
We are definitely replacing someone. Most likely the individual who will now clean up the mess that the AI makes. The minute you finish training it how to do your job: thanks for your service.
“You’re so good with this tech stuff”
Good on you. You used to be a developer. You are now a babysitter for AI – in other words, the unpaid QA department of AI which will clean up the mess it makes alongside your regular duties, forevermore.
“Why is this taking so long? The AI did it in seconds”
The most frustrating sentence in today’s workplace environment. Indeed, Dave, something happened in mere seconds. Arson is quick too.
Not all of it is technological either. Technology works — even works well on occasion, when in the right hands. It is the age-old management fantasy of achievement without input, kudos without liability, and an easy to blame scapegoat who cannot argue his case in the post mortem.
It was not the chatbot that made Dave happen; Dave has always been around. The chatbot just put him on a rocket ship.
AI was used to render the cartoon.
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